Friday, January 16, 2015

Interview with Maggie King - Murder at the Book Group

Today I'm interviewing Maggie King who is talking about her newest release Murder at the Book Group. It's got to be a winner with a great cover!
Enjoy!



  • ISBN-13: 9781476762463
  • Publisher: Pocket Books
  • Publication date: 12/30/2014
  • Format: Mass Market Paperback
  • Pages: 400
 


Overview

Hazel Rose never dreamed that the murder mystery book group she and her friend Carlene started would stage a real murder.
Nevertheless, the normally composed Carlene is unusually angry and rattled one night during a book group discussion and dies after drinking cyanide-spiked tea. Despite a suicide note, Hazel is skeptical; Carlene never seemed suicidal—she was busy making plans for her future. 

Read an Excerpt:

Chapter One
YEA, THOUGH I WALK through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil . . .
I tuned out the Twenty-third Psalm and focused on my mission: ferreting out who poisoned the current wife of my first ex-husband, sending her on a premature stroll through the valley of the shadow of death.
Scanning the assembled crowd, I looked for signs of guilt, hoping to divine something, anything, that screamed “killer!”
No divination came, but I figured that such insights took more than the time allotted the standard memorial service.
If only someone would pinch me and tell me this was all a bad dream. Given Dorothy Gale’s options I could tap my ruby slippers together three times, saying to myself, “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home . . .”
Alas, I had no ruby slippers. Maybe I could find a pair on eBay.
In the meantime, like I’d done countless times during the four days since Carlene Arness became known as the “dearly departed,” I replayed every moment of that evening that had started with a meeting of our nice little book group and ended in tragedy.
And that had convinced me that our nice little book group harbored someone who wasn’t so nice . . . and that in this earthly valley there was evil aplenty to fear.
“THIS BOOK SUCKS. There should be a law protecting the reading public from such trash!” And with that Carlene Arness hurled Murder in the Keys into her fireplace, the drama of the action diminished by the lack of a fire.
“What is it you didn’t like about it, Carlene?” Helen Adams’s mild tone contrasted with Carlene’s strident one.
“Where do I begin? There was no mystery, no plot, and, get this, no ending! I finally got to the last page and expected the numerous loose threads to be tied up—but no, just blank paper. I couldn’t believe it! It just ends. I guess the author got bored with her own writing—completely understandable—and quit.”
Carlene paused, but not for long before continuing with her thumbs-way-down review, bracelets jingling as she waved her arms around. “And it was riddled with editing errors, continuity problems, and—and just plain bad writing. I want to read books that are well written,” she pronounced, giving her expensively cut auburn hair a toss. “And another thing—I don’t think the author ever set foot in Key West, but that didn’t stop her from setting this piece of trash there.”
“Did it at least have good sex?” Kat Berenger, Carlene’s stepsister, looked hopeful.
“It had no sex. The author effectively neutered the characters.”
Our group had its share of critical readers. Sarah Rubottom, a retired English teacher, often lambasted authors for poor writing. She’d issue her judgment with pursed lips and crossed arms, spelling curtains for that author.
But that night Sarah exchanged questioning looks with me. What was going on with Carlene? Her tirade was quite a departure for someone normally so soft-spoken and composed. Maybe her recent publishing success explained her more exacting standards with her fellow writers. Carlene’s debut mystery, Murder à la Isabel, a contemporary mystery set in Richmond, Virginia, was quite good.
Or, more likely, her uncharacteristic angst stemmed from her separation from Evan Arness, her husband and, incidentally, my ex-husband. I didn’t know if any of the group’s members knew about the split. I only found out recently when I ran into Evan at Target and he’d said they were taking a “break.”
As an aspiring romance writer, I felt more than a little sensitive to book trashing. I wanted to tell Carlene to get a grip and give the author some respect—poorly written or not, she had made a creative effort. I held my tongue as I rescued the book from the fireplace, where it had landed in a pages-splayed position next to a brass vase brimming with dried flowers. Returning to my chair, I picked up my jacket, which had fallen on the floor, and draped it over my purse before glancing at the paperback. The six-toed cat, icon of the Florida Keys, graced the front cover. I turned it over and skimmed the back cover—it looked like another cute cozy filled with eccentric characters. The author’s first name was Annette and her last name contained a long string of mostly consonants. I passed the book around.
Carlene carried on—and on. Aiming for a light tone, I said, “Did you ever hear of the fifty-page rule, Carlene? If you don’t like a book after fifty pages, give it the heave-ho.”
Carlene ignored my advice. “And the author uses that old standby cyanide, putting it in the victim’s tea. Isn’t cyanide supposed to smell like bitter almonds? So wouldn’t you think the idiot would get suspicious when her tea smelled like almonds?”
“Not everyone can detect the bitter almond smell. It’s genetically determined,” Sarah explained. “You either have the gift, or you don’t.” Several of us nodded and said, “That’s right,” indicating this was common knowledge. Apparently not to Carlene, judging by her blank look. Sarah continued, “And I’m not sure it would smell like almonds in the tea . . . Seems I heard that it can be smelled on the breath of the person who ingests it, but not before.”
Carlene regarded Sarah thoughtfully. “Still, it must smell like something in the tea . . . something off.”
I looked around and wondered if there were any gifted noses in this group. Did size count? At any rate, if anyone knew of a bitter almond–smelling talent, she or he wasn’t telling. “If you do have the gift you could offer your services at autopsies,” Art Woods, Helen Adams’s son and our sole male member, quipped. He ran a hand through his mass of dark curls.
I gave Art what I imagined was a knitted-brow look, but without a mirror it was hard to tell. The mere thought of observing an autopsy gave me chills. But if faced with a cash-flow problem an autopsy gig might be a welcome option. I asked the group, “What do bitter almonds smell like anyway? Is it a smell you’d instantly recognize, like something similar to the nonbitter variety?” No one responded.
“Maybe the tea, no matter what flavor, would mask the smell of the cyanide,” Helen mused.
“And where do you even get cyanide? The killers in these mysteries always manage to have it on hand, ready to dump in some hapless victim’s tea.” Carlene remained nettled by the author’s lack of writing skill. “It can’t be that easy to get. Wouldn’t you have to sign for it, like you do for medications?”
Art laughed and said, “Carlene, you need to use cyanide in your next book. Show everyone the right way to do the evil deed.”
Carlene frowned at her nails, but her French manicure looked fine to me. “That’s my plan, Art. I’m researching cyanide and similar poisons. In fact that’s why I read this one, to see how the poisoning was handled.” She added the unnecessary “Not a good example.”
Sarah, fiddling with her long gray braid, asked, “Remember those Tylenol killings in Chicago—when was that—back in the eighties?” We digressed into a discussion about the unsolved case involving a number of Chicago-area victims who died after ingesting cyanide-spiked Tylenol capsules. We all started talking at once. “Wasn’t there some Tylenol thing in Seattle as well?” “What about Jonestown—didn’t nine hundred people—?” The sound of the doorbell put off segues into the Jonestown mass suicides as well as the Seattle killings, the details of which eluded me.
Kat jumped up to answer the door. Her long platinum hair curled in all directions, creating an Einstein effect. Her black leather vest displayed well-toned biceps, good advertising for her job as a personal trainer. Leopard tattoos decorated each bicep, and leopard-print cuffs topped stiletto-heeled chartreuse boots. The chartreuse also streaked across both eyelids.
“Hey, everyone, this is Linda Thomas,” Kat announced as she shepherded the newcomer into the living room. Annabel Mitchell, a longtime member, followed. “Linda came to Carlene’s signing at Creatures ’n Crooks,” Kat explained. “Being a mystery fan, she jumped at the chance to visit our group. And, small world, she and Carlene know each other from their L.A. days.” Two weeks before, Creatures ’n Crooks Bookshoppe, a local independent bookstore specializing in mysteries, had hosted a signing for Murder à la Isabel.
I remembered Linda from the signing. Highlights like hers were hard to forget: a series of contrasting shades produced a tigerlike effect. Next to Kat with her leopard paraphernalia, I felt like I was viewing a surrealistic safari. Linda favored heavy makeup, eyes rimmed in thick black, shadow in a slightly paler black shade covering her lids. Aquiline nose. From the neck down, she was less dramatic; she wore a plain white turtleneck and tight jeans that she likely purchased in the plus-size department. I guessed her age to be anywhere between fifty and sixty, which meant she was around forty-five. Age estimation wasn’t my strong suit.
Carlene smiled, welcoming Linda in a gracious but restrained manner, a greeting usually given to a stranger, not an old friend. But, I realized, no one said they were old friends, just that they knew each other. And, although I doubted it, their reunion at the signing may well have been warm and heartfelt. Carlene started to get up, saying, “We need more chairs . . .” At that moment Annabel carried two chairs in from the dining room and set them next to Kat.
Annabel was dressed for success in a black pantsuit, pale strawberry blond hair framing her face in soft waves with an artful tousled look, silver jewelry discreet. Annabel was the first of our group’s three writers to publish her work, having written her first mystery during the midnineties. Her works fell into the hard-boiled genre, dark, gritty, and violent. Annabel lived in a duplex in the Fan, one of Richmond, Virginia’s many historic areas. Before Carlene’s marriage, she and Annabel had shared the common wall in the two-family house.
Kat introduced Linda to each member in turn. A few people expressed surprise at discovering that Carlene had lived in L.A. Others said they knew, but had forgotten. Carlene said that L.A. was, after all, years before.
Kat asked, looking first at Linda, then at Carlene, “How long since you two last saw each other?”
After a pause, Carlene said, “Well, I moved here in ninety-six.”
Linda looked amused as she said with an airy tone, “Sounds about right. It’s 2005 now, so that makes 1996 . . .” She closed her eyes to do the calculation. “Ten, twelve years ago?” No one commented on her inexact math.
Carlene returned to her earlier appraisal of her nails. Her anxiety level had ratcheted up a few notches since Linda’s arrival. Was Linda a possible agitator? Unless it was Annabel . . . although I couldn’t imagine why.
Linda fielded questions about her reading habits—who are your favorite authors, do you like cozies, thrillers, courtroom dramas, and so on. “Oh!” She looked stricken with a sudden worry. “I hope I didn’t forget my book for tonight.” She rummaged through her purse, pulling out a wallet, a makeup bag, a VHS cassette, a phone, and a tattered paperback with a title from Elaine Viets’s Dead End Job series, set in Florida. “Aha!” She stuffed everything but the book back into the purse. “I knew it was in here somewhere.”
Sarah said, “Well, Linda, it’s nice to have you with us. Before you arrived, we were having this fascinating discussion about cyanide, and—”
But Carlene interrupted with a nervous laugh. “Oh, let’s move on. We can continue the poison talk another time.” Turning to Art, she smiled. “Tell us about your book, Art.”
When Carlene and I started the Murder on Tour book group three years before, we wanted to stray from the practice of the numerous other book groups that met monthly and discussed the same book. Each member of the group read a different mystery based on a geographical setting, and we met every other Monday to “booktalk” our selections—a fancy way of saying we gave oral book reports, reminiscent of grade school. We met our needs to be both armchair detectives and travelers without having to suffer through someone’s vacation slides of Disney World. Our current literary tour of murder and mayhem took us through the American South, and tonight’s stop was Florida. With its intoxicating blend of steaminess, exoticism, and often strange goings-on, Florida provided a fertile setting for mystery aficionados.
Art returned Carlene’s smile, then gave us an account of The Paperboy, by Pete Dexter, a disquieting and riveting story of a newspaper family in Northern Florida during the late sixties. I made a note on the back of an envelope to add it to my to-read list. Art usually chose historical mysteries, but he claimed that Florida offered little in that subgenre and that, besides, he’d been wanting to read The Paperboy for a while. “Besides,” he added with a shrug of his bony shoulders, “the sixties are historical.”
I watched the interplay between Linda and Carlene. Linda’s steady smile telegraphing wry amusement contrasted with Carlene’s worrying a beaded necklace like a rosary. What was the history between these two? Anyone who could discompose the normally self-possessed and poker-faced Carlene was a force to be reckoned with. Intrigued, I continued to keep an eye on them.
Despite Carlene’s preoccupation, part of her remained engaged in the discussion. The rest of us shared our selections sans drama, tension, and author maligning. We “traveled” the state of Florida, from the panhandle to the Key Largo of Raymond Chandler’s classic of the same name. Helen raved about John MacDonald’s The Deep Blue Good-by, the first in his Travis McGee color-coded series. She assured us that she intended to read every last one of the prolific author’s works. I added the title to my envelope list.
Eventually we wound down and addressed the next meeting’s theme of Appalachia. Helen reminded us that she had posted a list of Appalachian authors on the group’s website. She also agreed to host the group at her apartment.
“And I have a request to make—that you turn off your cell phones during book group. They’re very distracting.”
Sarah looked puzzled. “I didn’t hear a cell phone tonight.”
“No, not tonight. But often folks are getting calls. Some more than others.” Kat and Annabel were likely the “some” that Helen cited. Both appeared unfazed.
“Not me. My phone sits in the bottom of my purse, turned off. I check for messages once a week.” I laughed, adding, “That is, if I think of it.”
We agreed to put our phones on vibrate mode and Helen expressed her thanks. Then she took advantage of having the floor and launched into a blow-by-blow description of the pro-life conference she’d recently attended. Kat had warned me about it when I’d first arrived.
“Her big thing now is the whole stem cell thing.” Kat had sighed. “The woman just wears me out. And I’m sure Sarah will put in her two cents on the subject.”
Nodding in agreement, I had said, “We’ll all be giving Helen a wide berth tonight. Maybe Sarah as well.” Often I enjoyed hearing people’s viewpoints, especially if they differed from mine. But I avoided Helen’s endless soapbox speeches whenever I could, otherwise I endured them. Sarah was the only one who bothered to challenge Helen. Even though Sarah held conservative views, they sat far to the left of Helen’s on the Republican political spectrum.
Helen used her hands to emphasize her points. Her long fingers and a dangling thread from the ruffled sleeve of her periwinkle blouse distracted me from her earnest account. But loose threads and dancing fingers didn’t capture my attention for long, so I looked around the room, wondering if Carlene had added anything new to the decor since the last time I was here. Being a minimalist, she had more likely subtracted. Touches of burgundy and forest green accented the soft yellows and peaches of the conversational grouping of sofa, love seat, and oversized chairs. No knickknacks interrupted the smooth table surfaces, but a couple of large modern paintings and a sculpture filled up the wall space.
Just as Sarah started with, “Helen, don’t you realize the potential benefits of stem cell research . . .” I felt a tap on my shoulder. Carlene whispered, “Hazel, I need to ask you something. Let’s go to my den.” Then, flashing a smile at the others, she said, “Please excuse us—business,” and we moved off, leaving the others to suffer through the debate.
Carlene detoured into the kitchen to switch on the coffeemaker before we walked up a short flight of steps to her den. “I figured we could forgo the conference recap,” she grinned. “It could go on forever. And they’ll probably get into the childbirth tales.”
I rolled my eyes and smiled. Childbirth stories were a frequent staple of this group. They usually started with someone announcing the birth of a grandchild and included complete details of the pregnancy, labor, and birth. Conception as well, if they were privy to those details. Being childless, Carlene and I had missed out on a lifetime ticket to female bonding. In my fifty-something years I’d acquired husbands and cats, but children, not a one.
Carlene said, “We don’t have to worry about Art. He can busy himself with everyone’s books.”
Carlene’s minimalist leanings extended to her den. A Persian rug in a black and teal pattern covered the gleaming hardwood floor. Only a lamp, laptop, printer, and cordless phone disturbed the polished wood surface of the desk. Not a plant in sight, no pictures on the walls. An ergonomically correct chair and a bookcase provided the only other furniture. I wondered about the correlation between uncluttered surroundings and an uncluttered mind. Would it enhance my own writing to establish order out of the chaos in my den? Would I try it? Probably not.
“Hazel, I’m sorry I created such a fuss over that silly book. I get so irritated when people go on and on about hating a book.” Her voice, now reverted back to its usual near whisper, was so soft that I risked violating the standard conversational distance between us by moving closer. It was either that or take a shot at lip reading.
“Don’t worry about it.” By now I was more interested in broaching the subject of Linda. “So—are you excited about your friend Linda showing up?”
Carlene gave a brief laugh and said, “Well, no. To be honest, I don’t even remember the woman. It’s embarrassing since she seems to remember me so well.”
“Oh. So she wasn’t a friend in L.A.?”
“Oh, no. She says I worked with her husband. Maybe I met her at a work party. I simply don’t remember.” She spread her hands as if asking how she could possibly remember everyone she met.
“Looks like hers would be hard to forget.”
“I guess.” She waved a dismissive hand, setting off those dissonant bracelets. “I just finished an Agatha Christie. I keep reading them over and over.” Pulling a book out of her bookcase she offered it to me. “This one’s a Miss Marple. The Mirror Crack’d. Want to borrow it?”
Okay, Linda was off limits. I wondered why. “Oh, no thanks. I have a copy.” Carlene reshelved the paperback.
“Hazel, the real reason I wanted to talk to you, aside from getting away from Helen, was to share my big news. I booked a trip to Costa Rica for December. Georgia and I are going to stay with a friend of hers.”
“Oh, Carlene, that’s great. You’ll love it. So will Georgia.” Georgia Dmytryk was Carlene’s lifelong friend and the executive director of the Richmond Women’s Resource Center.
“I know you went there a while back. Maybe you can give us suggestions. Do you have time for coffee this week? Our treat. Maybe early one morning before Georgia goes to the center?” I wasn’t hot on early-morning activities, but I was hot on free coffee, so I agreed to meet Carlene and Georgia at Panera at Stony Point on Wednesday morning.
Then my eye was drawn to a couple of photographs on the shelf over her laptop. How had I missed them in this monkish room? I pointed to one and said, “I don’t think I’ve seen these before.” Neither picture included Evan, but I didn’t comment on my observation.
A smiling foursome posed next to a Christmas tree. Kat dominated the group with her abundance of everything: hair, makeup, cleavage, jewelry. Her twenty-something daughter, Stephie, took her mother’s flamboyant fashion statements several steps further with her riotous assortment of piercings and tattoos. Dean Berenger, Kat’s father and Carlene’s stepfather, wore a crewneck sweater and sported a buzz cut.
Carlene’s elegant style was apparent even with her tacky Christmas sweater and jeans. Her eyes stared impassively into, maybe through, the camera. I never tire of her mesmerizing eyes, which happen to be the same color and shade as mine, “money green.” My thoughts digressed along a path from green eyes to husbands, recalling one of my exes declaring an exact match when he held a dollar bill up to my eyes. While he was puzzled that they weren’t hazel, suiting my name, they failed to mesmerize him.
Besides our eyes, Carlene and I shared a number of physical attributes. We both stood at five feet four inches without shoes. We’d remained slim, but the pounds were creeping up in that insidious way that pounds crept. Our hair color belonged to the red family, hers a vibrant auburn and mine an autumn chestnut. No doubt her salon tab far exceeded mine.
“That was taken last Christmas,” Carlene explained, but didn’t elaborate.
“And what about this one?” I pointed to an eight-by-eleven image in a brushed metal frame. “This has to be your mother.” Despite the beehive and thick black eyeliner, the woman could only be Carlene’s mother, so striking was the resemblance.
“It is.”
“Father?” I asked, pointing at the handsome, smiling man holding a pipe, who didn’t look remotely like Dean Berenger. Carlene nodded.
A perhaps ten-year-old Carlene towered over an unhappy-looking boy. “I guess that’s your brother.”
“Yes, that’s Hal. I hate to cut this short, Hazel, but I’ve got to get the food ready. They’ll be winding down their stories soon and will want to eat.” True to my prediction, a loud and intense childbirth discussion was in full swing downstairs.
The rebuff didn’t surprise me as Carlene didn’t allow many personal questions. In no time the inevitable “it’s none of your business” messages would start, nonverbal but clear all the same. As a result, I knew little about her. That didn’t stop me from wondering if Hal served as the family’s black sheep, making him off-limits for discussion.
“Okay, I’ll give you a hand,” I offered with reluctance. I wanted to stay in the den and look at photos and ask nosy questions. But even if Carlene was willing to satisfy my curiosity, there were only the two photos anyway.
Carlene stopped at the door and turned to me. “Hazel,” she started, looking uncertain. “I have a, um, hypothetical question for you.”
“Yes?”
She continued to look indecisive before finally taking the proverbial nosedive. “Have you ever made a huge mistake?”
“Mistake?” I laughed. “Of course.” My mistakes were too numerous for a quick mental scan. There were the failed marriages, Evan being the first of them. And more than one wrong turn on the career path. But huge? “What do you mean by huge?”
“The kind that comes back later to haunt you.”





Thursday, January 15, 2015

In Memory of romance icon Jacqueline Briskin - 1928-2015

When I first planned this post it was to showcase Romance Author Icon Jacqueline Briskin's earlier works being re-released as e-books by her publisher Penguin. Unfortunately Ms. Briskin died on Christmas Eve so I'm dedicating the post to her memory as the romance world mourns the loss of a Giant in the genre.
Here are the re-issued novels a bit about them and about their iconic author.


         
         Photo from 1982                                                Recent photo

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

**Giveaway** Interview with Colleen Oakley - Before I Go

Please welcome debut author Colleen Oakley who is talking about her new release, Before I Go a gem according to the rave reviews. Colleen's publisher Gallery Books has graciously offered one print copy US ONLY for a giveaway.
Details below!
Enjoy the conversation!




  • ISBN-13: 9781476761664
  • Publisher: Gallery Books
  • Publication date: 1/6/2015
  • Pages: 320
 


Overview

A heart-wrenching debut novel in the bestselling tradition of P.S. I Love You about a young woman with breast cancer who undertakes a mission to find a new wife for her husband before she passes away.
Twenty-seven-year-old Daisy already beat breast cancer three years ago. How can this be happening to her again?

Read an Excerpt:

Before I Go
one
THE KALE IS gone. I’m standing in front of the open refrigerator, allowing the cool air to escape around my bare thighs. I’ve pushed aside the stacks of Tupperware containing leftovers of dinners that we’ll never eat. I’ve searched the crisper, even digging beneath the wilted celery (does anybody ever use an entire bag of celery before it goes rubbery?). There was some type of slime that had accrued on the bottom of the drawer. I added cleaning it out to my mental list of duties. I even pulled all the organic milk and juice cartons from the top shelf and looked behind them. No dice.
The kale is definitely gone.
Then I hear it. The high-pitched squeal of Queen Gertrude, our Abyssinian guinea pig, coming from the living room. And I know what’s happened to my greens.
I feel anger bubble up inside of me like a bottle of Dr Pepper that’s been rolling around the floorboard of a car—just waiting for the top to be taken off so it can burst free from its confined plastic.
It’s just kale.
It’s just kale.
It’s just cancer.
My anger is supposedly grief wearing a disguise. That’s what the therapist said in the one session I agreed to attend four years ago when I had breast cancer.
Yes, had.
But now I think my anger is just anger at the possibility that I might have breast cancer again.
Yes, again.
Who gets cancer twice before they turn thirty? Isn’t that like getting struck by lightning twice? Or buying two Mega Millions winning tickets in one lifetime? It’s like winning the cancer lottery.
“Morning.” Jack lumbers into the kitchen, yawning, in a rumpled T-shirt that says STAND BACK, I’M GOING TO TRY SCIENCE and his green scrub pants. He pulls a travel coffee mug from the cabinet above the sink and places it under the spout of our one-cup coffeemaker. He pops the plastic cylinder of breakfast blend into the machine and presses start. I inhale deeply. Even though I don’t drink coffee anymore, I love smelling it.
“Jack,” I say, having moved from my recon mission at the fridge over to the counter where the blender is set up. I pour a cup of frozen raspberries into the glass pitcher.
“Yeah, babe.” He walks up behind me and plants a kiss firmly between where my ear and jawline meet. The swack reverberates in my eardrum.
“Benny!” he says, also directly in my ear, as our three-legged terrier mutt skitters into the room. Jack kneels on the ground beside me to greet him. “There’sagoodboy. How’dyousleep? Ibetyou’rehungry. YouhungryBennyboy?” Benny’s tail whacks the mauve tile on our kitchen floor repeatedly as he accepts Jack’s morning nuzzles and ear scratches.
Jack stands and heads to the pantry to scoop a portion of kibble for Benny’s food dish.
“Did you feed Gertie the kale that was in the fridge?”
“Oh yeah,” he shrugs. “We were out of cucumbers.”
I stand there, staring at him as he grabs a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter and peels it. Benny is munching his breakfast contentedly.
Jack takes a bite of his banana, and finally noticing the weight of my gaze, looks at me. Then he looks at the blender. He lightly taps his forehead with his banana-free hand. “Aw, damn. I’m sorry, babe,” he says. “I’ll pick up some more on my way home from the clinic tonight.”
I sigh and jab the blender’s crush ice setting, making my morning smoothie, sans kale.
Deep breath.
It’s just kale.
And there are children starving in Darfur. Or being murdered in their sleep. Is Darfur the genocide thing? I can’t remember. Either way, bad things are happening to kids overseas, and here I am worried about a leafy vegetable.
And the possible come-back cancer.
But Jack doesn’t know about the cancer because I haven’t told him yet. I know, you’re not supposed to keep secrets from your spouse, blah, blah, blah.
But there are plenty of things I don’t tell Jack.
Like the fact that you can’t just pick up organic kale at the Kroger down the street. The only grocer that sells it is more than eighty-five miles away, almost to Atlanta. And the farmer’s market that I’ve been getting my organic kale from this season won’t be open again until Monday. There is a small produce stand in Monroe that sometimes carries organic kale, but it’s only open on Saturday. And today is Thursday.
Jack doesn’t know any of this because he doesn’t do the grocery shopping. He doesn’t do the grocery shopping because the one time I sent him to the store for dishwasher detergent and a lemon, he came home with $125 of stuff we didn’t need—like three pounds of rib-eye steaks and a case of forty-two snack-size plastic cups of mandarin oranges.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say. “I’ll get some next time I go. It’s no big deal.”
It’s no big deal.
It’s no big deal.
I pour my pink-but-should-be-green smoothie into a glass and walk over to the counter where I keep my to-do list. I pick up the pencil lying beside the pad of paper and write:
4 Clean out vegetable drawer.
5 Call Monroe to check on kale for Saturday.
Then I scan the other three things I need to accomplish today in between classes.
1 Make flash cards for gender studies exam.
2 Buy caulk for windows.
3 Work on thesis!
My thesis. For which I still don’t have a topic. I’m in the second semester of my master’s degree program in community counseling and I have chosen, researched, and then discarded roughly six different themes for my dissertation.
“Diorama!” Jack yells, jarring me out of my thoughts.
My eyes focus on him as I realize what he’s just said. Relief washes over me, and I temporarily forget everything else that has been weighing on my mind—kale, cancer, thesis.
“Yes!” I reply.
He flashes his teeth at me, and I focus on his off-center upper bite. It’s the very first thing I noticed about him, and I found the flaw devastatingly charming. That’s how I knew I was in trouble. Because when you don’t like someone, you just think, “He’s got some crooked teeth.”
Still smiling, Jack gave me a slight nod of his head, obviously pleased with himself that he had remembered the word that had eluded us three nights ago when we had been flipping through the channels and landed on Jurassic Park.
“God, this is the best movie,” he said.
“The best,” I concurred.
“I loved it so much that I used it for my fifth-grade science project—”
“—analyzing whether it was actually possible to resurrect dinosaurs from the dead using mosquito DNA. And you won first place in the Branton County science fair,” I finished for him, playfully rolling my eyes. “I’ve heard.”
But my husband was not to be deterred from reliving his nerdy glory days. “The best part, though, was that thing I built with all the miniature dinosaur models. Dang, what are they called? God, I kept that forever. I wonder if my dad still has it.”
“Terrariums?”
“No, those are with real plants and stuff. This was with the shoebox and you look in one end of it—”
“I know what you’re talking about. I just can’t remember, wait—cycloramas? No, those are circular.”
“It’s on the tip of my tongue . . .”
And on we went for another few minutes, both drawing blanks on the word.
Until now.
“Diorama,” I repeat, smiling.
And it’s not the liberation that comes with finally remembering a word that escaped recall that makes me grin. It’s Jack. My husband, who blurts out words with absolutely no context in the middle of the kitchen on a Thursday morning. And makes my heart fill with the wonderment and satisfaction of our connection. I suppose all couples feel this way at some point—that their bond is the most special, the strongest, the Greatest Love of All. Not all the time, just in those few-and-far-between moments where you look at the person you’re with and think: Yes. It’s you.
This is one of those moments. I feel warm.
“Why do you still drink those things?” Jack says, eyeing my homemade smoothie. He’s now sitting on the countertop across from me, slurping a spoonful of milk-laden Froot Loops out of an entirely-too-big Tupperware bowl. Jack loves cereal. He could literally eat it for every meal. “You had cancer four years ago.”
I want to give him my canned response when he questions my boring all-organic, antioxidant-packed, no-processed-anything diet: “And I don’t want it again.”
But today I can’t say that.
Today I have to tell him the secret I’ve been holding inside for nearly twenty-four hours since I got off the phone with Dr. Saunders yesterday morning, because I physically haven’t been able to say the words. They’ve been stuck in my throat like one of those annoying popcorn hulls that scratch your esophagus and make your eyes water.
I search the corners of my brain for the right way to say it.
The results of my biopsy are in. It doesn’t look good.
So, my tumor marker numbers are up. Want to meet for lunch today?
You know how we had that party last February celebrating three years of me being cancer-free and the end of my every-six-months blood tests? Whoopsies!
But I decide to go with something simple: the hard, cold truth. Because no matter how much the doctor tried to lessen the blow with his “we just need to run some more tests,” and “let’s not panic until we know what we’re dealing with,” I know that what he really means is one terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing.
I clear my throat. “So, Dr. Saunders called yesterday.”
My back is to him, but the room has gone silent and I know if I turn around and look, his spoon will be hanging halfway between his mouth and the bowl, as if he’s eating cereal in a movie and someone paused it to answer the phone, or go to the bathroom.
“And?” he says.
I turn in time to see him lower his utensil into the still-half-full Tupperware. He’s now in slow motion. Or maybe I am.
“It’s back,” I say at exactly the same time the Tupperware slips out of his grasp and a waterfall of milk and Froot Loops cascades down his leg and onto the floor.
“Shit,” he says, leaping off the counter.
I grab the paper towels from the holder behind me and start rolling off sheets until I have a bouquet big enough to sop up the mess. Then I bend down and get to work.
“Let me,” Jack says, kneeling beside me. I hand him a wad of paper.
We attack the puddle in silence—shooing Benny away as he tries to lap up the sugary milk—and I know that Jack is absorbing the information I’ve just given him. Soon he’ll chide me for not telling him sooner. How could I sit on this for a full twenty-four hours? Then he’ll ask me exactly what Dr. Saunders has said. Word for word. And I’ll tell him, as if I’m relaying bits of neighborhood gossip.
He said.
And then I said.
And then he said.
But until then, Jack will absorb. Ponder. Digest. While we—side by side—do our best to clean up this big, ridiculous mess.
BEFORE JACK LEFT for the vet hospital, he pecked my cheek, squeezed my shoulder, and looked me directly in the eyes. “Daisy. It’s going to be OK.”
I nodded. “Don’t forget your lunch,” I said, handing him the brown paper sack that I had filled the night before with a tuna sandwich, granola bar, and baby carrots. Then I walked to the bathroom to get ready for my day as he left through the back door in the kitchen. The rickety screen creaked as it opened and shut behind him.
What he meant was: “You aren’t going to die.” But I know I’m not going to die. It’s only been a year since my last clean blood work, and I can’t even feel the tumor they found on the mammogram when I poke and prod my left breast, so I’m sure they’ve caught it early, just like the first time. And the tests they want to run tomorrow morning will just confirm that I have breast cancer. Again. But that doesn’t mean everything will be OK.
I don’t want to go through surgery again. Or chemo. Or radiation. And I don’t want to have a year of my life taken away from me while I endure these treatments. I know I’m behaving like a petulant child—stamping my foot and clenching my fists, eyes squeezed tight against the world. I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I know I should be grateful. As far as cancer goes, relatively, I’ve had it easy. Which is why I’m ashamed to even admit my greatest fear: I don’t want to lose my hair again.
I know it’s vain, and so very inconsequential, but I love my hair. And while I tried to be all “strong, bald woman” last time, it just honestly wasn’t a good look on me. Some people can carry off bald. I am not one of them. My chocolate mane has just started grazing my shoulders again—it’s not quite as thick or polished as it once was, but it’s long. It’s feminine. And I appreciate it more now after having lost it once. I sometimes catch myself petting it, nearly crooning like I do when I stroke Benny’s wiry fur.
Good hair.
Nice hair.
Stay, hair.
I also adore my breasts, which is why I didn’t let Dr. Saunders lop them off last time. A lot of women go for it. Just take them! Just to be safe! They’re just breasts! But I was twenty-three, and didn’t want to part with them. Why couldn’t the cancer have been in my thighs or my never-quite-flat-enough stomach? I’d have happily given those up. But please, for the love of God, leave my perfect, C-cup, make-most-men-do-a-double-take perky tits.
It’s not like I was making a bad medical decision. A big article in Time came out right after my diagnosis, touting the results of a large study in Houston that found women who opt for a preventative double mastectomy have about the same recurrence rates as women who don’t. I never read Time. I saw the article on the way to my sociology of crime class while I was peering over the shoulder of the student seated next to me on the bus. It’s an omen, I thought. And when I brought it up to Dr. Saunders, he agreed that while the study was preliminary, the findings seemed solid—the choice was up to me. Now, four years later, sitting here with cancer once again, the random sighting of a magazine article doesn’t seem so much like fate as it does me just believing what I wanted to believe so I could do what I wanted to do. I should have let them take my breasts. I shouldn’t have been so vain.
I finish brushing my teeth and take one last glance in the mirror.
My hair.
My perfect breasts.
I inhale. Exhale.
It’s just cancer.
I LIKE THE still of the morning. I’m alone in the house but revel in the reminders that I’m not alone in the world. Jack is gone, but his presence is still palpable. The indent on the bed, where his body warmed the sheets, beckons me. Maybe I could crawl in just for a second, I think. What is it about an unmade bed that’s so tempting? I resist the urge, pull up the comforter, and smooth out the wrinkles. Then I fluff Jack’s pillow, erasing the evidence of a good night’s sleep and leaving it fresh for tonight’s slumber.
I gather three pairs of his worn socks from the floor beside the bed and drop them in the hamper. Then I glance over at the open suitcase on the floor beside our dresser. Every year Jack and I celebrate February 12, the day—after months of chemo and six weeks of radiation—that Dr. Saunders called and said I was officially cancer free. Last year, for the third anniversary, we planned a quiet dinner for family and friends at my favorite restaurant. Jack was supposed to reserve the private room at Harry Bissett’s, but the morning of the party when I called to ask if we could bring our own champagne, the manager said there was no record of our reservation. Jack had forgotten to make it. Seriously, Jack? No reservations at H.B. Call everyone and tell them the party is off, I texted him, furiously punching out each letter on my innocent iPhone.
When I pulled into our driveway that evening, I was still so frothing with anger, I barely noticed the cars lining the side of our narrow street. But when I walked in the back door, a chorus of voices shouted “Happy Cancerversary!” and my wide eyes took in the buoyant faces of our family and friends. Not only had Jack invited everyone to our place for an impromptu keg party, he had even ordered a few trays of chicken fingers from Guthrie’s and lit the Clean Cotton Yankee Candles that I only take out for company. “I love you,” he mouthed from across the kitchen where he was pouring my mom a glass of white zinfandel—the only wine she’ll drink. I nodded, my cheeks flush with heat and my heart full of affection for my absentminded husband who, like a cat, somehow always manages to land on his feet.
This year, Jack surprised me by announcing he had planned an overnight trip for us. It’s rare that I get to spend more than a few hours alone in the company of my overworked husband, who’s one of a few overachieving individuals who’s concurrently getting both his DVM and his PhD in veterinary medicine, so I’m particularly excited. We leave in two days, and my side of the suitcase is neatly packed, sweaters rolled, jeans folded, underwear and socks tucked into the mesh pocket. Jack’s side is empty. I’ve been reminding him to fill it every night this week, even though I know he’ll wait till the last minute, throw everything in Saturday morning, and then inevitably forget something important like his toothbrush or contact lens solution.
I let out an audible sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a half-empty, sweating glass on Jack’s nightstand. I pick it up, rub the water ring off the pressed wood with the palm of my hand, and walk the glass into the kitchen.
When we first moved in together, I balked at Jack’s lack of order and cleanliness. We were a newlywed cliché, though we weren’t even married yet.
“I’m not your freakin’ maid!” I spat during a particularly heated argument.
“I never asked you to be,” was his cool reply.
We were opponents on a battlefield, neither one wanting to lose ground. Jack’s stance was that clutter and mayhem didn’t bother him; he wasn’t opposed to cleaning, he just didn’t think about it. I argued that if he cared for me, he would think about it and pick up after himself. Every dirty plate that I came across, every jacket or pair of shoes that didn’t make it back into the closet, was a tangible insult. “I don’t love you! I don’t care about your feelings! I’m purposefully leaving my coffee cup on the bathroom sink to get under your skin! Ha! Ha-ha-ha!”
But like most people who decide to stick it out for the long term, I slowly learned to accept that his messiness was just that—messiness. It wasn’t a personal attack. And Jack made a halfhearted effort every now and then to straighten the mountain of papers on his desk in the study that threatened to avalanche onto the scuffed wood floor—and on really good days, he even remembered to return used dishes to the kitchen.
But they never quite make it into the dishwasher.
A cool draft greets me as I pour the dregs of multicolored milk from Jack’s impromptu cereal bowl into the sink and load it into the dishwasher. I look up at the row of windows over the faucet, admiring their aged beauty while lamenting their inefficiency. Not only do they have the original glass panes from 1926, the year our house was built, the wooden frames around them have been painted so many times that many of them don’t close all the way, leaving cracks where air sneaks in. They need to be completely replaced, but until we can afford that costly solution, I’ve just decided to caulk them shut. Job number thirty-seven on my interminable list of tasks to keep our Spanish bungalow from being deemed uninhabitable.
When we were house hunting two years ago, I immediately fell in love with its rounded doorways, red-clay-tile roof, stone front porch with black ironwork handrails, and yellow stucco exterior. I pictured myself lazily eating hunks of Manchego cheese and drinking wine under the large olive tree in the backyard. Jack wasn’t as charmed.
“That’s not an olive tree,” he said, shattering my fantasy. “And this house needs a lot of work. The townhome was move-in ready. Fresh paint and all.”
I shook my head, thinking of the arched nook in the hall and the antique phone I would find at a flea market to set on the recessed shelf. “This is it.”
“I’m not going to have the time to do everything this house needs,” he said. “You know what my schedule’s like.”
“But I do. I have time. You won’t have to lift a finger. I promise.”
He tried again. “Did you see the yard? I don’t think there’s a blade of grass to be found in all those weeds.”
“I’ll fix it,” I said quickly. “You’ll see.”
He sighed. Jack knew me well enough to know once I set my mind on something, I wouldn’t be deterred. He shook his head in defeat. “Only you,” he said.
I smiled and snaked my arms around him, pleased with my victory.
“It will be perfect,” I said.
But it was not perfect. Shortly after we moved in, I realized what Jack had first intuited (though I never would admit he was right)—it wasn’t just a little TLC that the house needed. It was a lot. After I painted all of the interior cake-icing walls, got new air filters, pulled weeds in the yard, pressure washed the exterior, hired a handyman to build a new set of stairs on the back deck, and scrubbed, polished, and dusted everything in sight, our heater exploded. Into flames. Five months later, the air conditioner followed. Then a pipe burst, flooding the basement, and that’s when we uncovered a mildew problem that had just been lying in wait behind the walls. And after putting out all those fires (literally, in the case of the heater), I still have a laundry list of little tasks I need to complete that I keep on the door of our fridge, like hiring an electrician to come install GFCI outlets, putting a new backsplash in the kitchen, buffing the original hardwood floors, and of course, caulking the won’t-shut windows.
I finish loading the dishwasher and sponge down the counters. Then I grab a bag of baby carrots out of the fridge along with the lunch I had packed the night before and my daily to-do list and put it all into my shoulder bag, which I ease over my head and sling across my sweater-clad chest. Winter has behaved more like an early spring this week, so I leave my favorite black down coat in the hall closet, even though it’s February.
I exit the house the same way Jack did, opening first the heavy wooden door with the handle that sticks and then pushing my way out the screen door. I let it slam behind me, delighting in the squeak of the rusted hinge, as I do every day. It sounds like summer, which has always been my favorite season.
I walk down the back steps to our one-car driveway. Whoever gets home last has to park on the street—usually Jack. I glance next door to Sammy’s house. Her porch light is still on, so she probably stopped somewhere for breakfast after her shift. I’m a little relieved, because as much as I like her, she talks a blue streak, and a simple hi always turns into a fifteen- or twenty-minute fairly one-sided conversation (hers). And today I have just enough time to drive to campus, park my car, catch the university bus, and make it to the psychology building before class starts.
I navigate my Hyundai Sonata through the backstreets of my tree-lined neighborhood until I get to the baseball stadium. In the spring, if we’re in the backyard, we can sometimes hear the crack of leather meeting wood and wonder if it was one of our Georgia Bulldogs or the opposing team that swung the bat. Neither one of us cares about sports enough to ever check and see who wins. It’s one of the first things I loved about Jack—that unlike every other guy in this town, he didn’t spend his Saturdays in the fall tailgating and guzzling beer and saying things like, “Coach has got to stop running that blitz every third down.”
Like most other southern universities, Athens is a football town. It’s also a college town by every sense of the definition. The thirty-five thousand students who attend the university make up a third of the city’s population. When summer comes and the students pack up their belongings to head home or to study abroad in Amsterdam or the Maldives, the frenetic energy that fills every coffee shop, bus stop, and bar from September to May dissipates. The city seems to breathe, luxuriating in the space it has to stretch its arms until school is back in session.
But today, the energy is full and present as I slowly drive past throngs of kids loping to their classes, filling sidewalks, haphazardly crossing streets. I marvel at how young they look. At twenty-seven, I’m only a few years apart from the seniors, so I can’t explain why it feels like lifetimes. Is it marriage that’s aged me? The cancer? Or the realization and acceptance of mortality—something most college kids haven’t quite wrapped their still-developing brains around?
Fortunately, I’m not the oldest in my master’s program. A graying forty-something woman named Teresa sits near me in my Advanced Theories of Stress Management class. I imagine she’s a divorcée and this is her Eat Pray Love experience. She’s going back to school! Getting her counseling degree! Making something of herself! Jack says that’s unfair. That maybe she just lost her job in the recession and is trying out a new career path.
Whatever the reason, I guess everyone has their story for why they are where they are. Mine, of course, has to do with the cancer. I started chemo right after graduating, and deferred my acceptance to my master’s program for a year. But the next fall, when my treatment had long been finished, I still wasn’t ready. My body was tired.
“Take a few years off,” Jack said. “We’ll get married. Have some fun.”
That’s how my husband proposed to me.
I accepted.
Then I got a job at a credit card call center where I wore a headset and flipped through psychology medical journals to pass the time. When a tone beeped in my ear, I pleasantly said, “Thank you for calling AmeriFunds credit.” My job was to help people make balance transfers onto a new credit card with zero percent APR for twelve months. “After twelve months, the variable APR will be fifteen-point-nine-nine percent to twenty-three-point-nine-nine percent based on your creditworthiness,” I explained to faceless voices on the other end of the line.
But my favorite part of the job wasn’t really part of the job at all. Or it wasn’t supposed to be. It was when customers would explain why they were opening the new credit card, giving me a glimpse into their lives. There were the happy clichés: “My daughter just got engaged. There goes the retirement fund!” And the abruptly sad: “My Herman usually took care of this kind of stuff. But he’s gone now.” I wasn’t supposed to veer off the script, but if a supervisor wasn’t hovering, I’d probe deeper (“How old’s your daughter?” or, “When did he pass?”). And it occurred to me that most people just want to talk. To be heard. Even if it is by a stranger. Or maybe, especially if it’s a stranger. I felt like I was doing a public service. Or that’s what I told myself in order to feel better about my menial minimum-wage job. Either way, I liked it. The listening.
Until then, I had been going through the steps in becoming a psychologist. Checking off boxes on the life plan I had made when I was thirteen years old and watched Prince of Tides for the first time. I wanted to be Barbra Streisand, in a cushy chair and expensive diamonds, unlocking the mysteries of men’s brains and irresponsibly falling in love. It all seemed so grown-up and glamorous. And though, like most thirteen-year-olds, I already thought I was the former, I desperately wanted to be the latter, as well.
After two years, when my manager wanted to promote me to the other side of the call center—the one that actually placed calls, instead of received them, I decided it was time to go back to school. I didn’t want to be “a goddamned telemarketer” (my mother’s term). I wanted—really wanted—to be a therapist.
I get to Gender Studies with five minutes to spare. I slide into a desk and take a pack of empty index cards out of my bag so I can fill them with concepts that I need to memorize for the exam we have next Tuesday. I delight, as I always do, at the idea of crossing something off my to-do list. But before I can put pen to paper, my cell buzzes.
It’s my best friend, Kayleigh, who’s a kindergarten teacher and isn’t technically supposed to be using her cell phone during school hours while children are in her class. But Kayleigh doesn’t give a fuck. In fact, when she dies, I’m 90 percent sure that’s what her gravestone will read: “I don’t give a fuck.”
I silence my phone, sending Kayleigh to voicemail, because I do care, and because my professor, Dr. Walden, a tiny woman who’s five feet tall on a good day, has taken her position at the front of the classroom and cleared her throat. I smile, anticipating what Kayleigh’s message will say. Probably a diatribe about the nineteen-year-old UGA basketball player she’s inappropriately sleeping with, or a bitchfest about her goody co-teacher, Pamela, who wears pearls and sweaters with animals on them. Then I frown, because I have this feeling in the bottom of my stomach, like I’ve forgotten something. Did I turn the stove off ? Did I remember to grab my lunch from the fridge? Is my car overdue for an oil change?
And then it hits me all at once, and I can’t believe that I forgot, even for a second.
My cancer is back.

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